Author’s note: despite extensive on the road research, it appears that no one in authority has ever bothered to publish any road rules for the people of Vietnam. Or if in fact rules have been published, no one using the road has ever bothered to read them. However, as a way of thanking Hanoi and Saigon’s citizens for their hospitality, the following notes have been assembled as a guide to anyone unused to traffic conditions in these cities.

1. Traffic may use whichever side of the road the driver deems to be the most convenient
2. Tooting the horn is compulsory – at all times. The louder the horn, the better
3. The right hand rule applies in all situations. So does the left hand rule, the ‘on the other hand’ rule, and the 80/20 rule
4. Roundabouts are irrelevancies and should be ignored. However, in the unlikely event a vehicle is attempting to negotiate a roundabout in a semi-normal manner, the traffic entering the roundabout shall always have precedence over traffic already circling
5. Buses and trucks may reverse across busy roads at any time, and without warning
6. The space which a passing vehicle appears to have when overtaking is inversely proportional to the number of motorbikes which will also squeeze through the gap in the same manoeuvre
6a. Overtaking manouevres must only be attempted when there is no clear distance ahead in which it is humanly possible to complete the task
6b. Overtaking is only truly overtaking when your car is passing a minibus which is also passing a truck, which has moved out to the right to avoid a motorcycle. To totally qualify for the definition of overtaking, an equal number of vehicles should be approaching in the same configuration from the opposite direction, at the same speed
6c. Overtaking is permissible on either side of the vehicle being passed. Preferably, two overtaking vehicles will pass at the same time, one on each side
7. Stop signs and Give Way signs shall not be erected. If one is in place, it is a obvious error, and must be ignored
8. Traffic lights are red, orange and green – all shall be read as green therefore proceed if you feel like it
8a. If traffic does temporarily come to a halt at a red light, it shall usually proceed again as soon as the number of seconds left on the green light countdown reaches single figures, and definitely will be moving by the time the count reaches 3 seconds to go.
8b. Traffic still proceeding on its opposing green light at this point shall be avoided
9. Pedestrians shall cross the road at any point, at any time, and at any pace. Hesitant pedestrians should remain in their home country
10. Motorbikes shall, by necessity, have at least one occupant. However, two is considered a normal minimum, and three, four or five is acceptable as long as all riders are over the age of 2 weeks
10a. Helmets may be worn, or not, depending on the wearer’s mood
10b. Ridiculously heavy loads can be carried on one bike, and it is not compulsory to secure the load in any way. This is especially applicable to refrigerators and large carved wooden dining tables.
11. Vehicles may turn onto a busy road at any time without looking and can enter any lane other than the nearest one
12. The size of the vehicle (or vehicles) shall determine precedence at intersections. For example one bus beats one car, one car beats one bike, however multiples are permitted: 5 motorbikes riding in a pack will trump a single car.
13. Any or all of the above rules may or may not apply at any given times